Photographic Memory

Isn’t it funny how sometimes when you spend weeks trying to write about every subject under the sun to no avail you realize that none of those pieces are working because you have failed to write about the one thing that has really been weighing on you all those days. I have been trying to write an entry about Vidor’s Homecoming parade for over a week now and I don’t know how many times I have started over or deleted it, or how many times I have reprimanded myself for not being together enough to finish. It’s not that the topic wasn’t a good one but I just haven’t been able to totally focus on it. Because I guess talking about Homecoming made me realize how much I miss home. I guess you never realize how hard it is to leave everything and everyone that you know and start a new life. And its not that the life that I have now is a bad one but it is different and it has meant that I have left behind many wonderful memories in Canada.

I actually spent most of last Sunday crying and crying. Crying because sometimes I just get tired of trying to fit in and tired of having to explain myself to people about why I do things the way I do, or don’t. I miss my family, even though I talk to my parents everyday I still miss the feeling of coming home after a long day at work and just hanging out with my family and watching movies. I still have that with Chris and we are building some great new memories together but I guess there are days when it really hits you that your life has just changed. And on those days it would be great to see my mom or dad walk through my front door, or one of my fellow Divas and just hang out and chat like the old days. I guess it is just being so far away from everyone that makes it hard. From the day that I met Chris I could not imagine a life without him and being married to him makes me happier that I could ever begin to explain in words, but sometimes I realize that being in Texas has been a bigger cultural shock that I first imagined.

Of course, the hurricane didn’t help with all of this. We had just settled into our own little routines and we were busy making plans for the future and now it feels like someone has put us on hold. And while most everyone else in the family here has gone back to their own lives and picked up the pieces rather quickly ours are still strewn all over the place. But then we had more pieces to pick up. So I watch everyone else go back to their lives, to their jobs and hobbies and their homes and I feel trapped. Even Chris is off finishing his masters and Glenn and Dianne are back at their jobs and I feel like I am floating. Not able to work because of all this immigration business and feeling like an outsider. So sure, none of this should really stop me from writing or working on my photography course and portfolio and so I also spend a lot of time reprimanding myself for this, probably too much of that and not enough of time actually working on those dreams of mine.

Today I was looking at pictures from last year. Chris and I took probably hundreds of pictures for each other when we were getting to know each other and since we lived so far apart it was our way of sharing our own world with each other. Looking back on some of those pictures today made me realize how lucky I have been. I have so many wonderful memories, so many great friends and I have lived a beautiful life. Mary Schimch wrote that wonderful speech some years back called “Wear Sunscreen” and today, though a few years early I found some of her words particularly true and meaningful.

“Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.”

Today I looked at those pictures and realized the beauty of friendship, the beauty of falling in love, the beauty and wonder of family, of working at something that you love, of making new friends and of going to new places. These past few weeks have been hard because I have missed my friends, my family and the things that have been so familiar to me for so long. But then as I looked at those photographs, I remembered how amazing it was to fall in love with Chris, to travel to Texas, to really step out on my own and find that people in such a different part of the world were opening their doors to me too. I was reminded of those possibilities that lay before me now, and of the passion for life that has always been a part of who I am.

I must admit that being homesick has actually reminded me of all of those passions that have always made up the person that I am. I have reconnected with my desires to hold onto my Polish heritage and my Slavic pride. I have been cooking up a storm lately, filling Dianne’s house with the smells that I grew up with. Potato pancakes and schnitzel and good Polish sausage with caramelized onions. I have spent endless hours talking about my trip to Russia, which really changed my life more than most people know. I made the trip back to one lone Polish deli and restaurant in Houston and stocked up on things that remind of home and things that make me proud of where I have come from. And of course, it didn’t hurt that the guy who served us and who has only been in the United States for two years, complimented me on my Polish and said that for having grown up outside of Poland he was very impressed with the absence of an American/Canadian accent when I spoke. I was so proud of myself!

For my mother’s birthday I sent her two special photographs that I had taken on my honeymoon from the plane. They were of huge white clouds over some small island in the Caribbean and when I look at them they remind me of my mother because she has always had dreams where she flies to the clouds when she can no longer handle a stressful scene, they are her refuge. I spent a lot of time working on the small write up that I placed on the back of the photos for her, in fact, it took me two hours to write the few short lines that I did, but in the end I found myself proud to pass this gift on to her. As part of the dedication I also found a wonderful quote by Emily Bronte that just fit in perfectly with the theme. Here is what it looked like.

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‘Clouds Over The Caribbean’ Series
Magdalena Altnau
July 2005

Dedicated To My Mother
May You Always Reach For Your Dreams

I have dreamed in my life, dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas; they have gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind. ~Emily Bronte

And when, in her dreams, there was nowhere else to run she would soar to the sky, seeking solace in the clouds which would quickly envelope her in their ethereal embrace, and there she would find peace and tranquility and the dawning of new dreams, dreams of a beautiful life filled with the constant thrill of reaching for the very peaks of those voluminous white caps. ~ Magdalena Altnau

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I realize today, as I am just days away from my 26th birthday that my dreams have certainly altered the colour of my mind over the years. Along each step of the way they have been there to take me that extra step forward and to show me something new and exciting. In fact, after I had had a good cry last weekend about feeling homesick, I remembered the day before my trip to Russia. I was so scared. I wanted more than anything to go and live out my dream but at the same time I was terrified of leaving my family and of being away from home. I was so worried that the beautiful and romantic image that I had built up in my mind of St. Petersburg would be shattered when I arrived. I remember thinking that I shouldn’t go, that it wasn’t too late to back out but then I realized that my dream was more important than my momentary fear. And pushing past those short-lived doubts was one of the best things that I have ever done. I really believe that forcing myself to push past those fears then helped prepare me for the even bigger leap that I took when I fell in love with Chris and made the decision to move to Texas. I wouldn’t change that for decision for anything.

Looking back you realize how the many small steps that you took brought you to exactly the place that you are in now. And sometimes it seems when you are moving so slowly that nothing is happening at all and it is only when you stop to look back that you realize how incredibly far you have come, and how each of those steps along the way prepared you for the next. So I know that next year when I look back at this entry I will understand the role that this time in my life played in getting me to the next step and it will all make more sense. If any of the experiences that I have had help to make me not only a better writer and photographer, but also a better person then it will all be worth it.

Today I also realized what an important role photographs have played in my life, in the last few years especially. They have captured some of the most special moments that I have had and have helped me to remember how wonderful it has been to live through some of the things that I have. I suppose it is only natural for me to now attempt to capture on film what I cannot always capture with words. I have beautiful pictures of my family and friends that speak of truly wonderful times spent together. Places that I have been to have been captured exactly as they were in that moment when I focused my lens. My beautiful Russia will forever be as wonderful as it was back in the summer of 2002 when there was scaffolding all over St. Petersburg in preparation for the city’s 300th birthday celebrations the following year, when I walked along Nevsky with Selena soaking in everything that was Russian and loving ever minute of it. And those wonderful pictures of me and Chris at Niagara Falls last October when our romance was so fresh and new and falling in love was the most beautiful thing in the world, they too will always bear those memories and speak for themselves.

So I guess it ends like this, I miss you all in Canada like crazy! I miss familiar scenes and voices. I miss my Canadian fall! I miss my mom’s cooking and my chats with my dad. I miss staying up until two or three in the morning talking with my sister about what our future would be like. I miss Friday night movies with Kim. I miss playing with Joey and the twins on Franny’s living room floor. I miss Diva nights. I miss the days when Selena and I would spend hours on the seventh floor of Togo Salmon Hall talking about just about everything. I miss my annual fall get together with Christina and Dana. I miss hanging out with Stephannie and talking about how Poland doesn’t get the recognition it deserves in most history departments. I miss so much.

But in truth, I wouldn’t miss being with Chris and sharing my life and my dreams with him for anything else. I hope that one day when I can finally come back and visit that I will be able to revisit some of those memories. And I realize that memories are a lot like photographs, they don’t change but the places and the people in them do. So I know that you will all be so very different when we meet again and I will be different too but no matter what the future holds, I know that I will always hold those memories and photographs dear to me. And when we come together again we can build new memories and take new photographs that will show us how all of our little steps became the intricate collages of our lives.

So I am ready to finish crying now. I am ready to keep on taking my small steps and watch them turn into big leaps and bounds. And when it comes to fitting in here in Texas I have decided this, that maybe I am just what some of these people here need too. Maybe it isn't all about me fitting into their world, but maybe it is about me shaking theirs up a little. Maybe what Texas really needs is a spunky Polish-Canadian girl with big dreams to come in and turn their world upside down! I guess we'll have to wait and see. But don't worry I will keep you posted!